Escape from Galaxy 3

Actors: Sherry Buchanan, Fausto Di Bella, Don Powell, Chris Avram,  Attilio Dottesio, Max Turilli

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is an Italian attempt at erotic Star Wars. A princess and her father’s best pilot escape when the King of the Night, in an epically comic outfit, rolls into the galaxy to destroy their planet. They end up on a remote, primitive planet where the locals immediately try to execute them. Luckily the two are superpowered immortals with no idea what water or sex is which means the locals are no match. Eventually they figure out what the sex thing is (water also) but just as they’re about to consummate on the beach their nemesis shows up to laser block their efforts. This was bad on an almost biblical level but the scenery was worth the effort.

MVP: Sherry Buchanan as Belle the princess

Hyper Sapien: People from Another Star

Actors: Sydney Penny, Ricky Paull Goldin, Dennis Holahan, Keenan Wynn, Rosie Marcel, Hersha Parady, Peter Jason, Patricia Brookson, Talia Shire

Rating: 4 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films stands out because it wasn’t the bottom of the barrel this effort has produced for the most part. It sported pretty good production values, credible acting, and a fairly interesting story – all aspects missing from the previous movies in this effort. Aliens have been secretly monitoring 1980s earth and rebellious alien teenage girls sneak away to experience it. They run across a hunky, motorcycle riding teenage boy, with an actor who’s very good, to serve as their guide. They’re accompanied by a three eyed, three legged pet that was supposed to be the comic relief but that fails pretty mightily. This was Keenan Wynn’s last movie and he’s in his usual garrulous, old timer mode which was like seeing an old friend. Not good by any stretch but so much better than the other movies I’ve been exposed to so far in this march through mediocrity.

MVP: Ricky Paull Goldin as Dirt (no kidding) the hunk who’s very believable

Alien Factor

Actors: Don Leifert, Tom Griffith,  Richard Dyszel, Mary Mertens, Richard Geiwitz

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films once again poses the eternal question as to why aliens seem to descend on rednecks more than any other type human. This time a spaceship carrying three dangerous alien types crashes in a weather challenged town. I say challenged because it goes from deep snow covered scenes to late autumn and back again repeatedly, sometimes in the same chase scene. A lot of chasing goes on by the horribly amateurish aliens including one wearing what looked like designer platform heels. I knew what I was getting myself into with this series of movies but I am constantly amazed at just how gloriously bad some are – like this one.

MVP: Don Leifert as Ben Zachary, the only one who spoke clearly

Invaders from Space

Actors: Ken Utsui, Minako Yamada, Junko Ikeuchi, Sachihiro Ohsawa 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a compilation of 1960s black and white Japanese TV shows forced together to create a movie – it did not go well. Earth is under attack from the Salamander men of one planet which results in the arrival of Star Man. He wears a ridiculous little cape and challenges the salamanders to a back flip contest to determine galactic supremacy. It strains the credulity that adults made this.

MVP: Ken Utsui as the back flipping Starman 

Atomic Blonde

Actors: Charlize Theron, James McAvoy, John Goodman, Til Schweiger, Eddie Marsan, Sofia Boutella, Toby Jones

Rating: 9 out of 10, A very interesting female driven action flick. If anyone had any doubts about Theron’s action credentials after Mad Max they are surely put to rest after this journey. Charlize kicks total ass as a British operative sent into Berlin as the wall is falling and all the cold warriors are scuttling to redefine their shadowy world. The action scenes and Theron’s participation are almost visceral; some of the best I’ve seen this side of John Wick. My only issue with the movie was the pacing as these fantastic action scenes were placed amidst a series of plodding “who done it” scenes which brought everything to a screeching halt. Luckily Ms. Theron and the action salvage the viewer from those doldrums each and every time.

MVP: Miss Charlize as the uber dangerous Lorraine Broughton

Hitman’s Bodyguard

Actors: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, Élodie Yung, Salma Hayek, Yuri Kolokolnikov, Tine Joustra

Rating: 9 out of 10, This was a strangely compelling film that survives on the force of personality of the two stars. Reynolds and Jackson achieve an unexpected but undeniable chemistry which saves an inch deep plot. While Reynolds is justly famous for his sly one liners I got the impression he was struggling to keep up with Jackson in that department. This film was a bizarre cross breeding of John Wick with Lethal Weapon and while the pacing was uneven there were some great shoot outs. It was also fun to watch Salma Hayek (isn’t it always though) match Jackson m.f. for m.f. – a task not for the frail of heart. Gary Oldman was along channeling his inner Slavic beast again (think Air Force One) as the bad guy. This was a fun summer popcorn hybrid action/comedy that rests once again, on the shoulders of the two leading men. Given that Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds fill those roles, that is a very good thing. I really liked it.

MVP: Hayek immensely watchable as always as Sonia

Valerian City of a Thousand Planets

Actors: Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Rutger Hauer

Rating: 8 out of 10, I’m a huge fan of director Luc Besson and he once again delivers a wildly entertaining sci fi film. It was a chemically imbued 5th Element with Besson’s soaring images and grandiose style. The movie would have been legendary except for his choice of lead. Dean Dehane is a fine actor but he doesn’t have the physical screen presence Valerian called for. His part of a rough and tumble futuristic galactic cop needed someone who doesn’t have to jump around in the shower to get wet. All of the other actors, especially Cara Delevingne as Valerian’s partner, are superb. The action and constantly changing locales are Besson-like which means they alone are worth the price of admission. Critics won’t like it but I certainly did. It’s a great ride despite the wimpy hero.

MVP: Cara Delevingne saves the movie as Laureline

Extra Terrestrial Visitors

Actors: Óscar Martín, Concha Cuetos, Manuel Pereiro

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was either a French or Spanish cross breed of E.T. and Friday the Thirteenth. A spaceship crashes in the woods where most of the ET eggs are destroyed buy a nearby redneck. The one remaining egg is stolen by a young child while momma monster is out wreaking havoc on a camping rock band. I know. It’s not supposed to make sense and in this case that is certainly achieved. While Mom is out killing the young boy befriends the recently hatched beast. Just bad from the get go.

MVP: No one – no even Trumpy

Star Knight

Actors: Klaus Kinski, Harvey Keitel, Fernando Rey, Fray Lupo, Maria Lamor, José Vivó, Julieta Serrano, Josep Maria Pou  

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features some well-known and respected actors like Kinski, Keitel and Rey so you figure this would at least be watchable and you would be wrong. A Spanish effort at cross plotting a medieval damsel in distress with an alien invasion theme. At least Kinski looked like he was embarrassed by the lines he was forced to utter. The final scene has the love struck alien stealing a knight’s armor to fight for the damsel who has proven herself totally unworthy of the effort. Just bone deep bad.

MVP: Klaus Kinski as Boecius the alchemist

Slipstream

Actors: Mark Hamill, Bill Paxton, Bob Peck, Kitty Aldridge, Robbie Coltrane, Ben Kingsley, F. Murray Abraham

Rating: 5 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was the first in this journey that wasn’t horrible, it only took 60 to get there. That certainly is not a b-movie cast as you have Luke Skywalker going up against Private Hudson in a duel of classic sci fi personae. Actually earth’s been devastated by an ecological disaster and the remaining humans live along a violent wind current. The film opens with a futuristic jet chasing a guy in a three piece suit across the wasteland and I thought I was in for another stinker but then Mark Hamill gets out of the jet and the Elmer Bernstein music kicks in. Bill Paxton shows up shortly thereafter in full scamp mode which he dominates in. I can see why this didn’t get a wide release and a lot of love but it’s well made and begs the question why Hamill never did more action – he’s very good.

MVP: Hamill as the tested bounty hunter

Night Fright

Actors: John Agar, Carol Gilley, Ralph Baker Jr., Dorothy Davis, Bill Thurman, Roger Ready

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was really, really bad. It was sad to see old John Wayne stalwart John Agar in this trash. A NASA experiment goes wrong and the poor people of rural Texas have to deal with a cosmically enhanced, upright alligator impervious to bullets. After the creature crashes he seems to focus in on teenagers parking in the woods or the crazy college kids of the late 1960s who go to the woods to play and dance to their rock and roll. Extremely poor lighting along with jarring music contributed to additional denigration – just exquisitely bad cinema.

MVP: John Agar as Sheriff Clint Crawford

Top Line

Actors: Franco Nero, George Kennedy, Deborah Moore, Mary Stavin, William Berger

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features one of those alcoholic writers lost in the tropics story. Italian stalwart Franco Nero is the tortured writer hanging out in 1980s Columbia which wasn’t for the faint of heart to begin with. He then stumbles upon a non-flying saucer and the chase is one as all the Cold War agencies as well as the aliens are on his case. George Kennedy stops by with a weirdly effeminate voice dubbed in since this is another Italian import. The final 1/3 contains some action as they are chased by an alien cyborg and are kind enough to stop and wait for him when they get too far ahead. The cyborg was a veteran of the old Andy Sidaris movies so that was weird. The author finally gets help from his knockout ex-wife but that result in the ugliest alien transformation in cinematic history – lots of green goo.

MVP: Mary Stavin as the memorable Maureen De Havilland

984 – Prisoner of the Future

Actors: Don Francks, Gail Dahms, Stephen Markle, Michelle Chicoine

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features possibly the most boring movie ever made. A 1970s disaster in which a corporate executive is abducted and interrogated for the entire length of the film. He’s re-named prisoner 984 (less than clever allusion to Orwell’s 1984) and we’re party to the and soulless questioning for no discernible reason. At the very end there are some robots on roller skates but they can’t seem to catch anybody. I’m sure this was a lot more relevant at the time but I finished it thinking I’d just done a long stretch of mindless imprisonment.

MVP: No one

War of the Robots

Actors: Antonio Sabato, Yanti Somer, Malisa Longo, Giacomo Rossi Stuart,  Aldo Canti,  Licinia Lentini, Venantino Venantini,  Jacques Herlin

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features yet another Italian sci fi movie with the senior Sabato portraying another star ship captain chasing skirts across the galaxy. An army of robots, all with the same Dutch boy haircut, kidnap the captain’s babe and her mad scientist boss. In the ensuing rescue trek the babe decides she likes being empress and leads an attack on earth. Everyone is clad in spandex and you actually see the glue used on the models to depict the spaceships. The final “battle” has to be the most boring military confrontation ever filmed; just lots of shots of pilots and the occasional pushing of a button.   

MVP: Yanti Somer as Julie, panting to replace the captain’s babe

Hands of Steel

Actors: Daniel Greene, Luigi Montefiore, John Saxon, Janet Agren, Claudio Cassinelli

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features yet another Italian sci fi movie presenting a well coifed cyborg in the distant future of 1997 America. The Italians thought arm wrestling would become a major sport in the US in the late 1990s. There is one enduring lesson in the film surrounding that theme – never challenge a cyborg to arm wrestling – especially when rattlesnakes are involved. B Movie stalwart John Saxon is along as the required corporate bad guy and Janet Agren is very memorable as the best looking desert hourly hotel owner in movie history (if that is an actual category). This could have been a lot more fun if it didn’t take itself so serious, as there is a high unintentional comedy content.  

MVP: Agren as the harried Linda

Eyes Behind the Stars

Actors: Robert Hoffmann, Nathalie Delon, Martin Balsam, Sherry Buchanan, Victor Valente

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features an Italian sci fi movie seemingly set in England although the position of the car driver seats switched back and forth repeatedly. A photographer shooting a model in the woods discovers some aliens on the negatives. This puts him and the reporter looking for him after his abduction in grave danger. The aliens are shown throughout but don’t seem to be doing much except serving as a needed plot presence. They are depicted wearing full body macramé outfits which must have been a bit uncomfortable during filming. If you are ever sleep deprived this movie is the perfect antidote – uniformly sleep inducing throughout. Nothing much happens and nothing is ever fully explained. A complete waste of time. How the hell did Martin Balsam ever end up in this?

MVP: Robert Hoffmann the baffled reporter Tony Harris

The Day Time Ended

Actors: Jim Davis, Dorothy Malone, Christopher Mitchum, Marcy Lafferty, Scott Kolden, Natasha Ryan

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features the original dad from Dallas establishing a new home in the middle of the desert for some reason. The only problem is an interstellar event has caused the house to be ground zero for a hilariously concocted time warp. His granddaughter is soon communing with a glowing green pyramid while his wife is following little green dancing men and dodging toaster sized alien spacecraft. It did not make a lot more sense watching it in person with dime store special effects and completely awkward staging. This was an abomination, although the acting such as it was, wasn’t horrible. The same could not be said about every other aspect of it.

MVP: Jim Davis as Grant Williams, the very abused homeowner

The Dark Tower

Actors: Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Taylor, Claudia Kim, Fran Kranz, Abbey Lee, Katheryn Winnick, Jackie Earle Haley

Rating: 9 out of 10, This is one of my favorite books (actually series of books) from the Master (Mr. King) and I’d eagerly awaited the movie version. I understood the dilution required of reducing a multi-book, dense story into a two hour movie would require the excision of a lot of texture and that certainly happened. The story, however, still sings as Roland, the last gunfighter, tries to save the Dark Tower from the man in black. The movie only brings in only one of the Earth’s allies Roland’s picks up in his travels which was the most painful exclusion for me. Idris Elba is tone perfect as Roland. I’d heard a lot of bad things about the movie going in but I think this was a gallant attempt to tell a witheringly thick tale in the short time a movie allows. I devour all of King’s works, especially the Dark Tower series, and while this is a very pale shadow of the written word, for me it still resonated. I know this will get me in trouble with some of more fanatic fellow fans of the Master but I liked it.

MVP: Elba as the constant and haunted warrior Roland

The Head

Actors: Horst Frank, Karin Kernke, Helmut Schmid, Dieter Eppler, Kurt Müller-Graf, Christiane Maybach 

Rating: 2 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is a late 1950s German horror movie shot in black and white, film noir style. A really creepy doctor, Dr Ood (I’m serious), joins a research crew and in short order severs the lead scientist’s head which he then resurrects on a table to provide needed technical advice. After burying another doctor he decides a local dancer’s body would look better adorned with the head of his hunchbacked nurse. The expected adjustment period follows as events cascade towards a weird, and very German, finale.

MVP: Christiane Maybach as the torso donating Stella  

Spiderman Homecoming

Actors: Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Jon Favreau, Zendaya, Donald Glover, Tyne Daly, Marisa Tomei, Robert Downey Jr.

Rating: 9 out of 10, I’d heard a lot of good things about the latest Spiderman and they were not exaggerated. I wondered why they felt the need to introduce the character yet again but it was definitely worth the effort. He’s thrust in to the Marvel universe with a big help from Iron Man and some Captain America PSAs. The best thing is the young actor who convincingly plays a teenager. They don’t worry about origin stuff and humorously depict how a teenager would deal with superpowers. There’s a neat little twist thrown in and Michael Keaton tears up scenery as a multi-layered villain. They didn’t need it but Marvel has yet another hit for their impressive record. I loved this movie.

MVP: Tom Holland as Spider-Man just learning the ropes/webs

Brain Twisters

Actors: Farrah Forke, Terry Londeree, Joe Lombardo, Donna Bostany, Elle Thompson, Shura McComb, Heather Ann Barclay, Robert T. Hughes, Bill Hilkert Jr.

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films has possibly the most awkward leading man in movie history. How did this guy ever manage to get through the entire movie without a shred of acting talent is beyond me. He plays a college professor with a contract from the evil video gaming corporation to turn innocent, or better said, semi-innocent college students into killing machines. I honestly felt bad for him because he looked so uncomfortable and obviously out of his depth but that’s what I get on this voyage – just so bad.

MVP: Forke as the only actor in the entire cast who seemed to know what she was doing, also pretty hot

Destroy All Planets

Actors: Kojiro Hongo, Mari Atsumi, Toru Takatsuka, Michiko Yaegaki, Carl Clay, Carl M. Craig, Junko Yashiro, Peter Williams

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is another one of those horrible late 1960s Japanese kaiju movies featuring that damned fire breathing turtle again. It features all the usual horrible special effects and the huge monster turtle with a troubling penchant for young children who’s also charged with defending the earth against invading squids. Heroically bad cinema.

MVP: No one, they should all be shot.

War of the Planets

Actors: John Richardson, Yanti Somer, Walter Maestosim, Massimo De Cecco, Massimo Bonetti,  Aldo Canti, Eleonora King as Oko 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is an obviously and very poorly executed Italian rip off of 2001 a Space Odyssey and Star Wars. There’s a sledgehammer approach to satirizing man’s dependence on technology as a rogue spaceship captain wanders the edges of known space chasing down strange radio signals. The only thing truly memorable were the spaceship crew’s uniforms, especially the female ones (the Italians have a well-deserved reputation in that department as well as their ability to properly fill them). The skin tight uniforms are topped off with some headgear weird enough to be distracting in their own right. This is not worth watching except for the unintentional comedy quotient; oh, and shipmate Oko, the ablest of filled uniforms.

MVP: Eleonora King as Oko. duh