Crash of the Moons

Actors: Richard Crane, Sally Mansfield, Scotty Beckett, John Banner, Nan Leslie, Patsy Parsons, Harry Lauter

Rating: 1 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with a poorly combined collection of episodes from a 1950’s TV series I understandably never heard of called Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. As bad as this was, and it was terrible, you can see the seeds of what followed ten years later in Star Trek. Jones runs around space dealing with two worlds about to collide because one, the gypsy moon, will wander into the other, as they are wont to do. Don’t worry it’s not supposed to make sense. The gypsy moon is ruled by none other than SGT Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes fame. He did want to know something here. The other world is run by a megalomaniacal queen. Complete cheese all around and again, delightfully bad.

MVP: Patsy Parsons as quite over the top Queen Cleolanta

Teenagers from Outer Space

Actors: David Love, Dawn Bender, Bryan Grant, Harvey B. Dunn, Tom Graeff, King Moody

Rating: 2 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with exactly what I hoped for during this trek through mediocrity. Bad acting, bad writing, obviously shot on a shoe string budget with an unintentional comedy content through the roof. A desk sized flying saucer lands and a whole troop of young men emerge and deploy alien technology with clear English names printed on them. Their masking tape adorned space suits and sock covered “space boots” only compliment the delightful ridiculousness. They’ve arrived to use Earth as the breeding ground for their chosen food – lobsters of abnormal size and growth rates. Derek (I’m serous) breaks away and is pursued into town by Thor (the alien ray gun wielder not the god). Derek falls for Betty while Thor turns everyone he meets into a skeleton. You can probably figure out where it heads from there. It was fun to watch 1959 California pass by (literally) as the movie was shot – just so bad.

MVP: David Love as the very conflicted Derek

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Actors: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora, Leila Martin

Rating: 0 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with possibly the worst movie ever made. Oh my God I simply cannot conceive what the people who made this were thinking, seriously. When the title popped up on the screen as the next film in my odyssey I knew I was in from something spectacularly bad but it exceeded even my worst fears/hopes. Spandex clad Martians with green makeup which changed literally between each scene along with tv antennae in their heads that just screamed for some tin foil for better reception. I can only conclude there were some serious drugs consumed during the making of this film. Santa along with two earth kids are kidnapped by the Martians to provide more Christmas spirit on the red planet. I feel I lost several brain cells simply from exposing myself to this, definitely amongst the worst movies I’ve ever seen

MVP: No one

Gammera the Invincible

Actors: Eiji Funakoshi, Harumi Kiritachi, Junichiro Yamashita, Yoshiro Uchida, Michiko Sugata, Albert Dekker, Brian Donlevy, Diane Findlay, John Baragrey, Dick O'Neill

Rating: 2 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with yet another 1960s Japanese giant monster flick. This is a black and white film where some additional scenes featuring American actors were obviously shoehorned in to make it more palatable for American audiences. The giant turtle is back and bent on destroying Tokyo, as they are wont to do, after being woken up from Artic slumber by an accidental nuke. The American scenes, mostly in the first half, are pointed directly at the Cold War tensions between the Soviets and US. I’m not sure why these Japanese films have to have an incredibly annoying kid but he’s trying to thwart efforts to contain the monster because he once had a pet turtle. Lego level special effects but I’ll grudgingly admit the acting was very professional, except for that G.D. kid.

MVP: Eiji Funakoshi as Dr Hidaka

Attack of the Monsters

Actors: Nobuhiro Kajima,Miyuki Akiyama,Christopher Murphy,Yuko Hamada

Rating: 0 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with this 1960s Japanese giant monster flick (think Ultraman). I know I’m luxuriating in truly wretched sci films but this was beyond the pale. I struggled to stay with this abomination. Two kids carjack a mysterious flying saucer and are whisked away to a planet of nubile young ladies in spacesuits. The kids have a giant rocket powered turtle protecting them along the way – seriously. The giant turtle has to fight a ginsu knifed monster on the alien planet which was everything the early Godzilla milieu could have hoped for. Run screaming if anyone offers to watch this.

MVP: The giant turtle, I guess

Wonder Woman

Actors: Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Robin Wright, Danny Huston, David Thewlis, Connie Nielsen, and Elena Anaya.

Rating: 10 out of 10  A new favorite movie of the year as DC comics finally deliver on the wealth of lore they are blessed with. I was incredibly impressed with Gal Gadot and not for the usual reasons. I’ve always thought she was a bit stiff if undeniably gorgeous in prior movies but this was a part she was born to play. She’s confident, physical, and sneakily funny throughout. I thought they spent a little too much time on her mythical island which had a hard time not seeming silly but as soon as she is thrust into World War 1 Europe the movie soars. Chris Pine tags along as her less capable, but “above average” counterpart. I thought this would be the hardest of the DC heroes to effectively bring to the screen but boy was I wrong, Gadot and the movie are truly wonders.

MVP: Predictably Gadot as Diana Prince – a true wonder

Bride of the Gorilla

Actors: Raymond Burr, Lon Chaney Jr., Barbara Payton, Tom Conway

Rating: 2 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with this interestingly titled drama. The only gorilla in the film as an imagined one is a highly drugged villain’s mind. Somehow and against all odds this film was pretty well acted and featured none other than Perry Mason himself as a young, buff Lothario trying to win the affections of his boss’ knock out , platinum blonde wife. Since he was also delving into the local girls this doesn’t sit well with the resident purveyor of curses and Perry is soon running out into the jungle at night instead of servicing his new bride. Lon Chaney, who should know something about hunting down were-animals, is along as a plodding Brazilian constable. Sublimely ridiculous and so weird to hear that respected Raymond Burr voice uttering this nonsense.

MVP: Burr as Chavez, the phantom gorilla

Kong Island

Actors: Brad Harris, Esmeralda Barros, Marc Lawrence, Ursula Davis

Rating: 1 out of 10, My forage through bad cinema continued with this disaster. Also released as King of Kong Island and Eva La Venere Selvaggia. This time we have an Italian film dubbed into deplorability. No Kong, no island just some white mercenaries running around 1960s Kenya double-crossing each other at every turn. We have a loin clothed young lady running around the jungle with strategically positioned hair – I found myself tilting my head various times. There were some monkeys – actors in 3 Stooges quality gorilla suits radio controlled by a jungle bound mad scientist type. A Hercules class leading man eventually links up with the jungle girl, after she sees him bathing shirtless, to rescue his girlfriend; abducted just after she changed into lingerie in the middle of a safari camp. Yep – just fabulously bad cinema.  

MVP: Esmeralda Barros as Eve the Jungle Girl

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women

Actors: Mamie Van Doren, Mary Marr, Paige Lee,Frankie Smith, Gennadi Vernov, Georgiy Zhzhonov, Yuri Sarantsev, Vladimir Yemelyanov

Rating: 1 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema and the exact same Russian movie that was used to create the Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet – I mean – exactly the same. Marcia is back but this time reduced to the command center on earth and only two spaceships are used. The same badly dubbed dialogue is back with a voice over narration by Peter Bogdonavitch who must be supremely embarrassed by his association with this farce. There was a mysterious woman alluded to in the first movie and this time they inserted scenes of bleach blonde, bell bottomed babes lounging on the shores of the Venusian sea. Their sole power seems to be vacant stares and chasing down very fresh sushi. It’s a wonder someone actually paid actual money to make this disaster.  

MVP: Mamie Van Doren as Moana the vacant leader

Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet

Actors: Basil Rathbone, Faith Domergue, Gennadi Vernov, Georgiy Zhzhonov, Yuri Sarantsev, Vladimir Yemelyanov

Rating: 1 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema and apparently a Russian movie that was acquired and dubbed in English. Somehow Sherlock himself, good ole Basil Rathbone ended up in this with a completely nonsensical part. So bad as to defy description. In 2020 three spaceships approach Venus where the first one crashes and the second one is sent into rescue. They find a planet inhabited by dinosaurs and hungry plants. After fending off an attack by a bunch of mini-Godzillas the first bunch starts wandering towards their rescuers. Meanwhile they are in and out of contact with the ship remaining in orbit “manned” by Marsha which led to Brady Bunch flashbacks by the number of times she was called. The rescuers are held up by their need to conduct scientific explorations – it was all very Russian. Sublimely bad cinema.

MVP: Faith Domergue as the popular radio operator Marcia

The Mummy

Actors: stars Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Sofia Boutella, Jake Johnson, Courtney B. Vance,  Russell Crowe.

Rating: 8 out of 10, I was confused by Tom Cruise's presence in what was really just a glorified B-Movie but Russell Crowe was also along for the ride as Doctor Jekyll (yep). I’m going to go out on a limb here because I know this movie is getting skewered by every self-righteous film critic in existence but I kind of liked it. It’s stupid and boasts gaping plot holes but this is a monster movie not Citizen Kane. It fields one of the scariest plane crashes I’ve ever seen on film and Sofia Boutella as the mummy is spectacular. She wakes up, courtesy of the roguish Mr. Cruise and is a little peeved after spending a couple thousand years buried alive in a pool of mercury. That does not sound like a lot of fun. Boutella exudes charm, even with body parts drooping off and her physicality is a huge plus. This movie isn’t for everyone but it’s a high octane monster mash and worth going to see if for no other reason than Ms. Boutella.

MVP: Ms Boutella, of course, dominating in the title role

The Wasp Woman

Actors: Susan Cabot, Fred Eisley, Barboura Morris, William Roerick, Michael Mark, Frank Gerstle

Rating: 2 out of 10 The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema and not breathtakingly bad as some of its predecessors. A scientist fired from his job at a honey farm for experimenting with wasps. We next see him in NYC attached to the owner of a large cosmetics company whose firm's sales o drop after it becomes apparent to her customers that she is aging. The scientist uses enzymes from the royal jelly of the queen wasp that can reverse the aging process. The boss decides to use the jelly ahead of schedule and sheds 20 years in a single weekend. Of course she also occasionally turns into a murderous, wasp-like creature with the attendant hijinks. This as a Roger Corman delivery so there was lots of dialogue and the campy bad special effects he is justifiably famous for. The special effects consisted of a cheap Halloween mask but the acting was amazingly superior to the material.

MVP: Susan Cabot as Janice Starlin the wasp woman herself

Horrors of Spider Island

Actors: Alexander D'Arcy, Rainer Brandt, Walter Faber, Helga Franck, Harald Maresch, Helga Neuner, Dorothee Parker, Gerry Sammer,  Eva Schauland, Helma Vandenberg, Barbara Valentin, Elfie Wagner

 Rating: 1 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema and my first ever exposure to what passed as West German soft core porn in 1960. There was no nudity, just a lot of nubile young ladies running around a supposedly tropical island pursued by a “spider-man”. A troop of dancing girls is assembled in New York for a trip to Singapore only to crash in the Pacific and end up on the aforementioned island. The lone male is attacked by a giant spider (because you know uranium was around) and turns into a peeping tom half spider. Most of the movie has the gals either running around the island or dancing. Easy to see how the West Germans survived the cold war with this type response to danger.

MVP: Helga Franck as Georgia, the lone brain cell amongst the troop

The Atomic Brain

Actors: Marjorie Eaton, Frank Gerstle, Frank Fowler, Erika Peters, Judy Bamber,  Lisa Lang Rating: 1 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema and a return to truly terrible writing, acting and staging. An unintentional comedy content through the roof as a mad scientist working for an aging lady is charged with transferring her brain into the bodies of one of three foreign maids imported for that purpose. There’s also wolf/dogman haunting the presence as well as a zombie like nubile failure of earlier experiments. Cats brains into humans, vice versa and the insanity just keeps coming. The failed attempt as a British accent by one of the gals had me laughing out loud. Also released titled as Monstrosity which is a much more apt description of this gloriously bad film.

MVP: Erika Peters as Nina the lone survivor

The Amazing Transparent Man

Actors: Marguerite Chapman, Douglas Kennedy, James Griffith, Ivan Triesault, Boyd 'Red' Morgan

Rating: 3 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema made in that up and coming rival to Hollywood – Dallas, Texas. This one actually wasn’t over the top terrible which is saying something considering the company it keeps in the collection I found it in. The big difference here are the actors, all of which were pretty good despite the ludicrous plot and chintzy sets/effects. A stalwart anti-war and anti-nuclear missive this involves an escaped convict used by an evil ex-Army major as the test subject for an invisibility ray. What could go wrong? Predictably everything.

MVP: Douglas Kennedy as Joey Faust, the semi-invisible man

She Gods of Shark Reef

Actors: Bill Cord, Don Durant, Lisa Montell, Jeanne Gerson, Carol Lindsay

Rating: 2 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema. I didn’t realize until this was over that B-Master guru Roger Corman directed. I’m still trying to figure out why thus was included in a sci fi movie collection. Two well-built young men are marooned on a late 1950’s Polynesian island inhabited by only women pearl divers and hungry sharks. You would think – SCORE (well except for the sharks), but they spend the mercifully short movie prancing around in Hawaiian loin clothes trying to escape. There is no understanding the 1950s. Truly bad and very un-Corman like in that there’s more beefcake for the ladies than vice versa.

MVP: Lisa Montell as Mahia, a Polish actress as the Polynesian love interest

Moon of the Wolf.

Actors: David Janssen, Barbara Rush, Geoffrey Lewis, Bradford Dillman,

Rating: 2 out of 10, The next in my exploration of Bad Cinema. This one features the ex-fugitive as the town sheriff of a sleepy Louisiana bayou town suddenly attacked by a werewolf. After they eventually figure out that’s what a demented old Cajon had been trying to warn them about in increasingly frustrating fashion. The sheriff has to track down the wolf even though he’s being distracted by the grown up version of his junior high crush. She of course has to be connected to the wolf. This was obviously a made for TV movie and the best that can be said is its not beyond horrible.

MVP: Janssen still had presence as Sherriff Whitaker

Queen of the Amazons

Actors: Patricia Morison, Robert Lowery, Bruce Edwards, John Miljan, Keith Richards, Wilson Benge, J. Edward Bromberg, Amira Moustafa

Rating: 1 out of 10, The next in my exploration of just how bad B-movies can sink to. A lady is determined to find her fiancé who went on a safari only to disappear. She assembles a group of guys to track him through India but a soon to be assassinated informant sends them on to Africa. While on the track of her missing beau she falls for the woman hating safari guide. That turns out to be a good thing because the long missing fiancé is found in the arms of the Amazon queen, fully coiffed and presiding over a barnyard in the jungle. I guess animal attacks were high theater in the late 1940s because there were some well-fed lions and tigers, no bears though. Bad cinema – but laugh out loud unintentional comedy

MVP: Morrison as the very focused fiancé

The Incredible Petrified World

Actors: John Carradine, Allen Windsor, Robert Clarke, Sheila Noonan, Phyllis Coates

Rating: 2 out of 10, A dive into the past of Hollywood schlock with a truly bad movie which didn’t spend any of an apparently miniscule budget on special effects or settings. Somehow a fight between an octopus and a shark leads off the movie for no discernible reason because neither creature plays any part in the movie. John Carradaine with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek plays an oceanographer (yup) who wants to send a diving bell to the bottom of the sea. The crew of four crash and then have to escape up through some caves inhabited by an old dude with possibly the worst fake beard is movie history. So bad it was a lot of fun to watch.

MVP: John Carradine as Millard Wyman, clearly smirking throughout

Baywatch

Actors: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach, Jon Bass.

Rating: 7 out of 10, I always wondered why the original TV show lasted and the movie begs the same question. There should be warning signs at the door to the theater to leave whatever intellectual capacity you possess behind but if you need that warning you’re probably not going to see it anyway. The movie honors the slow motion pneumatic recoiling that the show was famous for along with a nonsensical insipid plot. There are some very funny moments mainly involving the Rock teasing pretty boy Zac Effron, who looks to have ascribed to the Rock’s own chemically induced physique. The pneumatics are provided by Alexandria Daddario and Kelly Rohrback and while they do not disappoint I could have done without the lengthy examination of cadaver penis (you had to be there). In the end I enjoyed the movie because the Rock makes anything watchable but if asked I will deny it.

MVP: The Rock as lifeguard Mitch, because, why not?