Horror High

Actors: Pat Cardi, Austin Stoker, Rosie Holotik, John Niland, Joye Hash  

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films got me a little revved up as the opening credits rolled because I recognized a number of names as NFL players from the 1970s including a fair number from the Dallas Cowboys. With the exception of Niland they were all just briefly glanced on screen, which is probably a good thing considering how bad this was. A high school nerd bullied by both faculty and students discovers a potion that grants him Mr. Hyde like powers. Bullies are soon dissolving in a vat of acid left in the middle of high school science class (huh?!) and having their heads lopped off with the old paper cutter ploy. The monster is kept in the shadows for his entire screen time which must have saved the obviously severely limited special effects budget. Totally forgettable.

MVP: Pat Cardi as the nerdy monster Vernon Potts 

Robo Vampire

Actors: Robin Mackay, Nian Watts, Harry Myles, Joe Browne, Nick Norman, George Tripos 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films and we may have a winner for the skin crawlingest worst of the entire process. It wasn’t just the Chinese vampires who literally hop everywhere as their chosen form of locomotion. This seemed to be a random series of scenes from a number of movies that were spliced together to form a true abomination. Chinese drug lords commission vampires to protect their drug smuggling operation. They can be controlled to hop in the right direction with post it notes stuck to their foreheads. The police respond by resurrecting a dead policeman as a Robocop which in this case meant a lot of hockey equipment spray painted silver. He stamps around usually surrounded by the hopping vampires but neither seem to be able to do much damage to each other. There’s also a tragic romance between two star crossed lovers who committed suicide to be with each other in the afterlife (huh?). She turns into a white witch while he’s a super-vampire wearing a gorilla mask (I. Am. Not. Kidding.) While all this sounds like it might evolve into some sort of glorious mess – it doesn’t and then it ends in the middle with nothing resolved.  

MVP: No one, they should all be ashamed.

Raiders from Atlantis

Actors: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King, Stefano Mingardo, Ivan Rassimov 

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films could have been titled Mad Max comes to the Caribbean. Some vets fresh off a successful kidnapping just happen to cruise by an offshore oil platform which is trying to raise a sunken Russian nuclear sub. For some reason that causes the lost continent of Atlantis to rise and turns some of a local island’s residents into biker gangs straight out of Max Rockatansky’s worst nightmares. They set about killing everybody else until the vet’s boat arrives. You still with me? Not a lot of sense and some heroically comically staged fight scenes. You realize how good Mad Max was when you see this pale copy. The lead actor was really familiar but I couldn’t place him until I did the old IMDb thang and saw his impressive list of 1970s TV credits. Really. Bad. Movie.

MVP: Tony King as Mohammed or Washington, I never figured out which

Crater Lake Monster

Actors: Richard Cardella, Glenn Roberts, Mark Siegel, Richard Calkins, Dan Turner

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a monster flick set in a California lake with a dinosaur emerging to feast on the local inhabitants whose only crime seems to be their lack of education. The monster was laughably bad looking like a poor man’s attempt at Harryhousen country. It more closely resembled something my granddaughter would construct out of playdough. That being said the special effects were better than the acting and the musical score which was grating. There was that "thrilling" climax of a fight between the monster and a bulldozer. A really bad movie but watchable for the rampant unintentional comedy throughout.

MVP: Cardella as wooden Sheriff Steve Hanson 

Fugitive Alien

Actors: Tatsuya Azuma, Jô Shishido, Miyuki Tanigawa

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was so bad as to almost defy description. A Japanese alien invasion flick which features an alien soldier, you know that because he wears a blonde wig, who refuses to kill humans which doesn’t sit well with his overlord. The rest of the movie has him crisscrossing the galaxy with a Japanese space ship with an unclear objective in mind. The signature move of the aliens invading is simultaneous somersaults into the air. It must be a Japanese thing. This was wretched and not even enjoyably so.

MVP: No One

Future Women

Actors: Robert Conrad, Jonathan Banks, Karen Austin, Robert Webber

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was an obvious made for TV vehicle with the “smirker in chief” Robert Conrad sleepwalking through it as a retired CIA agent called upon to deal with a cybernetic assassin that’s gone off the rails. It was very predictable and by the end I found myself hoping the robot would win as he takes on the inevitable evil government and tall hair of the 1980s. Jim West should have known better.

MVP: Austin as the assassin’s main target and Conrad’s love interest

Kingsman: the Golden Circle

Actors: Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Mark Strong, Edward Holcroft, Hanna Alström, Sophie Cookson, Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Pedro Pascal, Elton John, Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges

Rating: 9 out of 10, The original Kingsman was one of my favorite movies over the past few years. I’m a huge fan of director Matthew Vaughn but he does seem to struggle with sequels. The Golden Circle had all of the trademark cheekiness of the original but it lacked some of the spark that made it so unique. Taron Edgerton still balances his suave secret agent personae with his lower class upbringing as the very challenged hero. He’s trying to maintain his romance with a Swedish princess while endeavoring to thwart a worldwide contamination of illegal drugs. Don’t worry – it’s not supposed to make sense. Two of my favorite characters were killed off this time but no one’s death seems permanent in this property, just ask Colin Firth. Juliann Moore camps it up as the villain running her nefarious plot from a diner in the jungles of Cambodia and her “go to” weapon – a meat grinder. Like I said – it doesn’t have to make sense as long as the action and gadgets keep coming at the relentless pace. So, not as enjoyable as the first Kingsman foray, but still a lot of senseless fun and chaos.

MVP: Egerton as the emergent Eggsy

Star Pilot

Actors: Leonora Ruffo, Mario Novelli, Paolo Bardi,  Roland Lesaffre, Kirk Morris, Alfio Caltabiano, Leontine May 

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was another Italian space invasion flick. A spaceship crewed by the usual well-endowed captain crashes in Sardinia and kidnaps some Italian professor to help repair the ship because that made sense. He brings along his frisky adult daughter who dons a different “groovy” outfit for each scene. They are soon winging their way around the galaxy running into various subhuman creatures and what not. This made very little sense  

MVP: Leontine as the daughter

Future Women

Actors: Shirley Eaton, Richard Wyler, George Sanders, Maria Rohm

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a truly strange film which I guess is part of a series about the Amazon queen Sumitra. It was more of a crime drama as a thief arrives in Brazil only to be kidnapped by scantily clad operatives of the Amazon kingdom ruled by the gal who was gilded in Goldfinger. She’d lost none of her fastball by the time she shot this movie which also featured renowned actor George Saunders who rightfully looked embarrassed by the silliness he found himself surrounded by. The girl on the machine gun, though, hmmm.

MVP: Shirley Eaton as Sumitra

Prey

Actors: Sally Faulkner, Glory Annen, Barry Stokes

Rating: 2 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was another British film which is more appropriately a horror flick. An alien scout transports down to rural England and befriends a pair of lesbian lovers when he’s not outside shewing on the local constabulary and lover’s lane couples (told you it was a horror flick). He transform into a dong faced, fanged beast for his meals. There are some pretty graphic sex scenes that seemed to have just been thrown in for prurient interest, even the alien isn’t that impressed. 

MVP: Barry Stokes as Anderson, the dog faced alien

Morons From Outer Space

Actors: Griff Rhys Jones, Mel Smith, Joanne Pearce, Jimmy Nail, James B. Sikking

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a British comedy about some alien visitors to earth who are complete idiots. It’s an interesting premise with most sci films waxing philosophical about the advanced technology any aliens would have to bring with them. That is certainly not the case here as three complete buffoons crash land and are immediately lionized despite their complete lack of discernible intelligence. It’s the Brothers Grimsby meet Close Encounters and the Brits can’t miss the opportunity to also skewer their standard American stereotypes. There were some funny moments but it’s a one joke story there wears out fairly quickly.

MVP: Sikking as the stereotypical American

Primal Impulse

Actors: Florinda Bolkan, Peter McEnery, Lila Kedrova, Nicoletta Elmi, Klaus Kinski

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films wasn’t really science fiction at all but more of a psychological drama. Klaus Kinski is haunting the dreams of an Italian lady who may or may not be descending into madness. Kinksi will do that to you. She journeys to a seaside resort where she may or may not have been before. She keeps running into people who’ve seen her before although she doesn’t recognize them and think they’re all trying to drive her mad. It’s a short trip and a pretty confusing movie. Maybe it made more sense in Italian. Pass.

MVP: Peter McEnery as Henry the off again on again boyfriend

Battle Beyond the Sun

Actors: Edd Perry, Andy Stewart, Arla Powell

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films has a fascinating backstory. I was startled to see Francis Ford Coppola listed as the executive producer of what turned out to be a comically bad film. I learned this was originally a virulently Anti-American Soviet film that Roger Corman acquired and then turned over to recent film school graduate Coppola. He Americanized it and also inserted two monsters which resembled both male and female anatomy – apparently on purpose. While all of this is interesting it shouldn’t lead anyone to watch the movie which is awful. After a worldwide nuclear war two mega-nations emerge in 1997 with their sights set on Mars. Competition ensues and culminates on a Martian asteroid and the aforementioned sleazy monsters.

MVP: The monsters, I guess

Brother from Another Planet

Actors: Joe Morton, Daryl Edwards, Steve James, Leonard Jackson, Bill Cobbs, Maggie Renzi,

Fisher Stevens, Dee Dee Bridgewater, David Strathairn

Rating: 5 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was actually pretty good. I’d heard of it but never sat through it until mandated by this current effort. Joe Morton is awesome as an escaped slave alien who crashes into NYC harbor in the early 1980s. He looks like an African-American except for the whole three toed claws he sports. While mute he also possesses a lot of hidden talent. He finds his way to Harlem and has some really funny moments melding into the local scene. Sayles takes aim at a lot of social issues including immigration and drugs. This movie belongs to Morton who conveys so much without saying a word. The first movie in this bunch that I actually enjoyed.

MVP: Joe Morton as the title character

Hundra

Actors: Laurene Landon, John Ghaffari, Marisa Casel, Ramiro Oliveros, Luis Lorenzo ...

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films had a gal who tugged at my memory from her 1980s heyday but whom I could not recall. Landon plays a man hating amazon whose tribe is wiped out by marauding barbarians. She visits a soothsayer who predicts she has to bear a child to continue her tribe’s legacy. The man hunt is on. She spends the movie trying to find a surprisingly rare accommodating man and then rescuing her daughter after being ultimately successful. Bad on a very basic level although an Ennio Morricone score stands out.

MVP: Laurene in title role on looks alone

Mission Stardust

Actors: Lang Jeffries,  Essy Persson, John Karlsen, Pinkas Braun, Gianni Rizzo

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is another Italian effort. A mission to the moon goes awry when the astronauts find a ball shaped spaceship run by a beautiful blonde. She vaporizes all their equipment and then asks for help for one of her crew members. While her civilization can manage establishing a lunar base, basic health care is an issue. She takes everyone back to earth for a blood transfusion and the local mafia don tries to take over the alien ship – bad move and equally bad movie.

MVP: Essy Persson as Thora

Rocket Attack USA

Actors: Monica Davis, John McKay, Phillip St. George, Edward Czerniuk 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was really two movies – both horrible. The first half is a spy story of an American spy infiltrating the Soviet Union following the Sputnik launch. He’s charged with finding out if the Russki’s are going to attack the USA and falls into bed with the defense minister’s mistress which you would think is a good thing. He tries to unsuccessfully blow up the lone rocket he finds. The second half has those sneaky Russians launching the missile to take out New York. The movie is full of Cold War paranoia which seems almost naïve looking back on now. It is definitely a propaganda piece aimed squarely at the evil commies and comical in its amateurish tact.

MVP: Monica Davis as he ill-fated Russian spy

Trapped by Television

Actors: Mary Astor, Lyle Talbot, Nat Pendleton, Joyce Compton, Thurston Hall, Henry Mollison Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was interesting in that it wasn’t really science fiction. It was at the time I guess in that television was just a concept back in 1936. It was also interesting to see the venerable Mary Astor. This was more of a comedy as a penniless television inventor is befriended by a goofy bill collector whose hidden hobby is “science”. They soon run afoul of gangsters and unscrupulous businessmen but goofiness wins out in the end. Obviously badly dated but I can still see what made Astor such an enduring star.

MVP: Mary Astor as Barbara "Bobby" Blake

Creeping Terror

Actors: Vic Savage, Shannon O'Neil, William Thourlby, John Caresio, Brendon Boone, Byrd Holland

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was possibly the worst movie ever made – it almost defies description. A rocket lands in rural 1960s California and a ridiculous monster emerges to consume everybody in its path who are all willing to lie down in front of the lethargic beast to be eaten when he slowly humps up to them. The creature is a laughably constructed monstrosity that resembles a shag carpet left too long without vacuuming. Since no one could act fully 75% of the movie is narrated. This travesty could only have been constructed by someone with a virtually nonexistent sense of self. So. Very. Bad.

MVP: The narrator – I guess

Future Hunters

Actors: Robert Patrick, Linda Carol, Ed Crick, Bob Schott, David Light, Paul Holmes, Peter Shilton, Ursula Marquez, Elizabeth Oropesa, Bruce Le, Jang Lee Hwang, Richard Norton 

Rating: 3 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films wasn’t as bad as the vast majority I’ve sat through over the past couple months. It wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination. It stole themes from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Mad Max, the Terminator, 1970s Kung Fu movies and melded them into a glorious disaster. The film starts out in the distant future of 2025 where a lone warrior in a post-apocalyptic wasteland learns the age old lesson that taking on tanks with a crossbow is not recommended. He’s trying to find the spear of Longinus to transport him back to the 1980s where he can avert the apocalypse. He succeeds only to die shortly after arrival. He entrusts the spear to a very young Robert Patrick (long before his T1000 days) and his comely girlfriend to unite the spearhead with the shaft and save the world. They set out on a world tour with Nazis (?!) in hot pursuit. Patrick’s role in the film seemed to be see how many different ways he could get his ass kicked. It ranged from bikers, to gangsters, to one of those white haired kung fu dudes, the aforementioned Nazis, a muscleman, an assortment of Mongols, midgets, and finally some female Amazon warriors. He really should be assessed for CTE following this performance. The movie ends in the Philippines with the girl friend wearing a flowing white dress through the jungle trek and repeated battles. Almost too silly to fully credit but some awkward fun along the way.

MVP: Robert Patrick as Slade the most beat up leading man in movie history

It’s Alive

Actors: Tommy Kirk, Shirley Bonne, Bill Thurman, Annabelle Weenick, Corveth Ousterhouse 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features the old hidden creature in the cave scenario. A 1960's New York couple decide to drive through the Ozark’s and predictably run out of gas at a red neck's place who specializes in feeding stranded tourists to his pet creature. The New York husband is so unbearable that I spent his entire screen time actively rooting for creature feeding time to commence. Old Disney favorite Tommy Kirk provides the sole acting the movie features and the creature is laughably slow with ping pong balls for eyes. Terrible, just deliciously terrible.

MVP: Tommy Kirk as Wayne Thomas

Welcome to Blood City

Actors: Jack Palance, Keir Dullea,  Samantha Eggar, Barry Morse, Hollis McLaren, Chris Wiggins

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films leads me to believe this might have been the genesis for The Matrix which was done so much better than this farce. A group of people wake up in an Old West scenario with no memories of how they got there. They’re soon exposed to a society that requires them to kill or be enslaved – all overseen by venerable ole Jack Palance. It turns out this is all a mind game played by the inevitable evil corporation. It would have been a lot more bearable if it made any sense whatsoever.

MVP: Jack Palance as Sherriff Frendlander, the only one who kind of made sense

Escape from Galaxy 3

Actors: Sherry Buchanan, Fausto Di Bella, Don Powell, Chris Avram,  Attilio Dottesio, Max Turilli

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is an Italian attempt at erotic Star Wars. A princess and her father’s best pilot escape when the King of the Night, in an epically comic outfit, rolls into the galaxy to destroy their planet. They end up on a remote, primitive planet where the locals immediately try to execute them. Luckily the two are superpowered immortals with no idea what water or sex is which means the locals are no match. Eventually they figure out what the sex thing is (water also) but just as they’re about to consummate on the beach their nemesis shows up to laser block their efforts. This was bad on an almost biblical level but the scenery was worth the effort.

MVP: Sherry Buchanan as Belle the princess

Hyper Sapien: People from Another Star

Actors: Sydney Penny, Ricky Paull Goldin, Dennis Holahan, Keenan Wynn, Rosie Marcel, Hersha Parady, Peter Jason, Patricia Brookson, Talia Shire

Rating: 4 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films stands out because it wasn’t the bottom of the barrel this effort has produced for the most part. It sported pretty good production values, credible acting, and a fairly interesting story – all aspects missing from the previous movies in this effort. Aliens have been secretly monitoring 1980s earth and rebellious alien teenage girls sneak away to experience it. They run across a hunky, motorcycle riding teenage boy, with an actor who’s very good, to serve as their guide. They’re accompanied by a three eyed, three legged pet that was supposed to be the comic relief but that fails pretty mightily. This was Keenan Wynn’s last movie and he’s in his usual garrulous, old timer mode which was like seeing an old friend. Not good by any stretch but so much better than the other movies I’ve been exposed to so far in this march through mediocrity.

MVP: Ricky Paull Goldin as Dirt (no kidding) the hunk who’s very believable

Alien Factor

Actors: Don Leifert, Tom Griffith,  Richard Dyszel, Mary Mertens, Richard Geiwitz

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films once again poses the eternal question as to why aliens seem to descend on rednecks more than any other type human. This time a spaceship carrying three dangerous alien types crashes in a weather challenged town. I say challenged because it goes from deep snow covered scenes to late autumn and back again repeatedly, sometimes in the same chase scene. A lot of chasing goes on by the horribly amateurish aliens including one wearing what looked like designer platform heels. I knew what I was getting myself into with this series of movies but I am constantly amazed at just how gloriously bad some are – like this one.

MVP: Don Leifert as Ben Zachary, the only one who spoke clearly

Invaders from Space

Actors: Ken Utsui, Minako Yamada, Junko Ikeuchi, Sachihiro Ohsawa 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a compilation of 1960s black and white Japanese TV shows forced together to create a movie – it did not go well. Earth is under attack from the Salamander men of one planet which results in the arrival of Star Man. He wears a ridiculous little cape and challenges the salamanders to a back flip contest to determine galactic supremacy. It strains the credulity that adults made this.

MVP: Ken Utsui as the back flipping Starman 

Atomic Blonde

Actors: Charlize Theron, James McAvoy, John Goodman, Til Schweiger, Eddie Marsan, Sofia Boutella, Toby Jones

Rating: 9 out of 10, A very interesting female driven action flick. If anyone had any doubts about Theron’s action credentials after Mad Max they are surely put to rest after this journey. Charlize kicks total ass as a British operative sent into Berlin as the wall is falling and all the cold warriors are scuttling to redefine their shadowy world. The action scenes and Theron’s participation are almost visceral; some of the best I’ve seen this side of John Wick. My only issue with the movie was the pacing as these fantastic action scenes were placed amidst a series of plodding “who done it” scenes which brought everything to a screeching halt. Luckily Ms. Theron and the action salvage the viewer from those doldrums each and every time.

MVP: Miss Charlize as the uber dangerous Lorraine Broughton

Hitman’s Bodyguard

Actors: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, Élodie Yung, Salma Hayek, Yuri Kolokolnikov, Tine Joustra

Rating: 9 out of 10, This was a strangely compelling film that survives on the force of personality of the two stars. Reynolds and Jackson achieve an unexpected but undeniable chemistry which saves an inch deep plot. While Reynolds is justly famous for his sly one liners I got the impression he was struggling to keep up with Jackson in that department. This film was a bizarre cross breeding of John Wick with Lethal Weapon and while the pacing was uneven there were some great shoot outs. It was also fun to watch Salma Hayek (isn’t it always though) match Jackson m.f. for m.f. – a task not for the frail of heart. Gary Oldman was along channeling his inner Slavic beast again (think Air Force One) as the bad guy. This was a fun summer popcorn hybrid action/comedy that rests once again, on the shoulders of the two leading men. Given that Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds fill those roles, that is a very good thing. I really liked it.

MVP: Hayek immensely watchable as always as Sonia

Valerian City of a Thousand Planets

Actors: Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Rutger Hauer

Rating: 8 out of 10, I’m a huge fan of director Luc Besson and he once again delivers a wildly entertaining sci fi film. It was a chemically imbued 5th Element with Besson’s soaring images and grandiose style. The movie would have been legendary except for his choice of lead. Dean Dehane is a fine actor but he doesn’t have the physical screen presence Valerian called for. His part of a rough and tumble futuristic galactic cop needed someone who doesn’t have to jump around in the shower to get wet. All of the other actors, especially Cara Delevingne as Valerian’s partner, are superb. The action and constantly changing locales are Besson-like which means they alone are worth the price of admission. Critics won’t like it but I certainly did. It’s a great ride despite the wimpy hero.

MVP: Cara Delevingne saves the movie as Laureline

Extra Terrestrial Visitors

Actors: Óscar Martín, Concha Cuetos, Manuel Pereiro

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was either a French or Spanish cross breed of E.T. and Friday the Thirteenth. A spaceship crashes in the woods where most of the ET eggs are destroyed buy a nearby redneck. The one remaining egg is stolen by a young child while momma monster is out wreaking havoc on a camping rock band. I know. It’s not supposed to make sense and in this case that is certainly achieved. While Mom is out killing the young boy befriends the recently hatched beast. Just bad from the get go.

MVP: No one – no even Trumpy

Star Knight

Actors: Klaus Kinski, Harvey Keitel, Fernando Rey, Fray Lupo, Maria Lamor, José Vivó, Julieta Serrano, Josep Maria Pou  

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features some well-known and respected actors like Kinski, Keitel and Rey so you figure this would at least be watchable and you would be wrong. A Spanish effort at cross plotting a medieval damsel in distress with an alien invasion theme. At least Kinski looked like he was embarrassed by the lines he was forced to utter. The final scene has the love struck alien stealing a knight’s armor to fight for the damsel who has proven herself totally unworthy of the effort. Just bone deep bad.

MVP: Klaus Kinski as Boecius the alchemist

Slipstream

Actors: Mark Hamill, Bill Paxton, Bob Peck, Kitty Aldridge, Robbie Coltrane, Ben Kingsley, F. Murray Abraham

Rating: 5 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was the first in this journey that wasn’t horrible, it only took 60 to get there. That certainly is not a b-movie cast as you have Luke Skywalker going up against Private Hudson in a duel of classic sci fi personae. Actually earth’s been devastated by an ecological disaster and the remaining humans live along a violent wind current. The film opens with a futuristic jet chasing a guy in a three piece suit across the wasteland and I thought I was in for another stinker but then Mark Hamill gets out of the jet and the Elmer Bernstein music kicks in. Bill Paxton shows up shortly thereafter in full scamp mode which he dominates in. I can see why this didn’t get a wide release and a lot of love but it’s well made and begs the question why Hamill never did more action – he’s very good.

MVP: Hamill as the tested bounty hunter

Night Fright

Actors: John Agar, Carol Gilley, Ralph Baker Jr., Dorothy Davis, Bill Thurman, Roger Ready

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was really, really bad. It was sad to see old John Wayne stalwart John Agar in this trash. A NASA experiment goes wrong and the poor people of rural Texas have to deal with a cosmically enhanced, upright alligator impervious to bullets. After the creature crashes he seems to focus in on teenagers parking in the woods or the crazy college kids of the late 1960s who go to the woods to play and dance to their rock and roll. Extremely poor lighting along with jarring music contributed to additional denigration – just exquisitely bad cinema.

MVP: John Agar as Sheriff Clint Crawford

Top Line

Actors: Franco Nero, George Kennedy, Deborah Moore, Mary Stavin, William Berger

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features one of those alcoholic writers lost in the tropics story. Italian stalwart Franco Nero is the tortured writer hanging out in 1980s Columbia which wasn’t for the faint of heart to begin with. He then stumbles upon a non-flying saucer and the chase is one as all the Cold War agencies as well as the aliens are on his case. George Kennedy stops by with a weirdly effeminate voice dubbed in since this is another Italian import. The final 1/3 contains some action as they are chased by an alien cyborg and are kind enough to stop and wait for him when they get too far ahead. The cyborg was a veteran of the old Andy Sidaris movies so that was weird. The author finally gets help from his knockout ex-wife but that result in the ugliest alien transformation in cinematic history – lots of green goo.

MVP: Mary Stavin as the memorable Maureen De Havilland

984 – Prisoner of the Future

Actors: Don Francks, Gail Dahms, Stephen Markle, Michelle Chicoine

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features possibly the most boring movie ever made. A 1970s disaster in which a corporate executive is abducted and interrogated for the entire length of the film. He’s re-named prisoner 984 (less than clever allusion to Orwell’s 1984) and we’re party to the and soulless questioning for no discernible reason. At the very end there are some robots on roller skates but they can’t seem to catch anybody. I’m sure this was a lot more relevant at the time but I finished it thinking I’d just done a long stretch of mindless imprisonment.

MVP: No one

War of the Robots

Actors: Antonio Sabato, Yanti Somer, Malisa Longo, Giacomo Rossi Stuart,  Aldo Canti,  Licinia Lentini, Venantino Venantini,  Jacques Herlin

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features yet another Italian sci fi movie with the senior Sabato portraying another star ship captain chasing skirts across the galaxy. An army of robots, all with the same Dutch boy haircut, kidnap the captain’s babe and her mad scientist boss. In the ensuing rescue trek the babe decides she likes being empress and leads an attack on earth. Everyone is clad in spandex and you actually see the glue used on the models to depict the spaceships. The final “battle” has to be the most boring military confrontation ever filmed; just lots of shots of pilots and the occasional pushing of a button.   

MVP: Yanti Somer as Julie, panting to replace the captain’s babe

Hands of Steel

Actors: Daniel Greene, Luigi Montefiore, John Saxon, Janet Agren, Claudio Cassinelli

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features yet another Italian sci fi movie presenting a well coifed cyborg in the distant future of 1997 America. The Italians thought arm wrestling would become a major sport in the US in the late 1990s. There is one enduring lesson in the film surrounding that theme – never challenge a cyborg to arm wrestling – especially when rattlesnakes are involved. B Movie stalwart John Saxon is along as the required corporate bad guy and Janet Agren is very memorable as the best looking desert hourly hotel owner in movie history (if that is an actual category). This could have been a lot more fun if it didn’t take itself so serious, as there is a high unintentional comedy content.  

MVP: Agren as the harried Linda

Eyes Behind the Stars

Actors: Robert Hoffmann, Nathalie Delon, Martin Balsam, Sherry Buchanan, Victor Valente

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features an Italian sci fi movie seemingly set in England although the position of the car driver seats switched back and forth repeatedly. A photographer shooting a model in the woods discovers some aliens on the negatives. This puts him and the reporter looking for him after his abduction in grave danger. The aliens are shown throughout but don’t seem to be doing much except serving as a needed plot presence. They are depicted wearing full body macramé outfits which must have been a bit uncomfortable during filming. If you are ever sleep deprived this movie is the perfect antidote – uniformly sleep inducing throughout. Nothing much happens and nothing is ever fully explained. A complete waste of time. How the hell did Martin Balsam ever end up in this?

MVP: Robert Hoffmann the baffled reporter Tony Harris

The Day Time Ended

Actors: Jim Davis, Dorothy Malone, Christopher Mitchum, Marcy Lafferty, Scott Kolden, Natasha Ryan

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features the original dad from Dallas establishing a new home in the middle of the desert for some reason. The only problem is an interstellar event has caused the house to be ground zero for a hilariously concocted time warp. His granddaughter is soon communing with a glowing green pyramid while his wife is following little green dancing men and dodging toaster sized alien spacecraft. It did not make a lot more sense watching it in person with dime store special effects and completely awkward staging. This was an abomination, although the acting such as it was, wasn’t horrible. The same could not be said about every other aspect of it.

MVP: Jim Davis as Grant Williams, the very abused homeowner

The Dark Tower

Actors: Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Taylor, Claudia Kim, Fran Kranz, Abbey Lee, Katheryn Winnick, Jackie Earle Haley

Rating: 9 out of 10, This is one of my favorite books (actually series of books) from the Master (Mr. King) and I’d eagerly awaited the movie version. I understood the dilution required of reducing a multi-book, dense story into a two hour movie would require the excision of a lot of texture and that certainly happened. The story, however, still sings as Roland, the last gunfighter, tries to save the Dark Tower from the man in black. The movie only brings in only one of the Earth’s allies Roland’s picks up in his travels which was the most painful exclusion for me. Idris Elba is tone perfect as Roland. I’d heard a lot of bad things about the movie going in but I think this was a gallant attempt to tell a witheringly thick tale in the short time a movie allows. I devour all of King’s works, especially the Dark Tower series, and while this is a very pale shadow of the written word, for me it still resonated. I know this will get me in trouble with some of more fanatic fellow fans of the Master but I liked it.

MVP: Elba as the constant and haunted warrior Roland

The Head

Actors: Horst Frank, Karin Kernke, Helmut Schmid, Dieter Eppler, Kurt Müller-Graf, Christiane Maybach 

Rating: 2 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is a late 1950s German horror movie shot in black and white, film noir style. A really creepy doctor, Dr Ood (I’m serious), joins a research crew and in short order severs the lead scientist’s head which he then resurrects on a table to provide needed technical advice. After burying another doctor he decides a local dancer’s body would look better adorned with the head of his hunchbacked nurse. The expected adjustment period follows as events cascade towards a weird, and very German, finale.

MVP: Christiane Maybach as the torso donating Stella  

Spiderman Homecoming

Actors: Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Jon Favreau, Zendaya, Donald Glover, Tyne Daly, Marisa Tomei, Robert Downey Jr.

Rating: 9 out of 10, I’d heard a lot of good things about the latest Spiderman and they were not exaggerated. I wondered why they felt the need to introduce the character yet again but it was definitely worth the effort. He’s thrust in to the Marvel universe with a big help from Iron Man and some Captain America PSAs. The best thing is the young actor who convincingly plays a teenager. They don’t worry about origin stuff and humorously depict how a teenager would deal with superpowers. There’s a neat little twist thrown in and Michael Keaton tears up scenery as a multi-layered villain. They didn’t need it but Marvel has yet another hit for their impressive record. I loved this movie.

MVP: Tom Holland as Spider-Man just learning the ropes/webs

Brain Twisters

Actors: Farrah Forke, Terry Londeree, Joe Lombardo, Donna Bostany, Elle Thompson, Shura McComb, Heather Ann Barclay, Robert T. Hughes, Bill Hilkert Jr.

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films has possibly the most awkward leading man in movie history. How did this guy ever manage to get through the entire movie without a shred of acting talent is beyond me. He plays a college professor with a contract from the evil video gaming corporation to turn innocent, or better said, semi-innocent college students into killing machines. I honestly felt bad for him because he looked so uncomfortable and obviously out of his depth but that’s what I get on this voyage – just so bad.

MVP: Forke as the only actor in the entire cast who seemed to know what she was doing, also pretty hot

Destroy All Planets

Actors: Kojiro Hongo, Mari Atsumi, Toru Takatsuka, Michiko Yaegaki, Carl Clay, Carl M. Craig, Junko Yashiro, Peter Williams

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is another one of those horrible late 1960s Japanese kaiju movies featuring that damned fire breathing turtle again. It features all the usual horrible special effects and the huge monster turtle with a troubling penchant for young children who’s also charged with defending the earth against invading squids. Heroically bad cinema.

MVP: No one, they should all be shot.

War of the Planets

Actors: John Richardson, Yanti Somer, Walter Maestosim, Massimo De Cecco, Massimo Bonetti,  Aldo Canti, Eleonora King as Oko 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is an obviously and very poorly executed Italian rip off of 2001 a Space Odyssey and Star Wars. There’s a sledgehammer approach to satirizing man’s dependence on technology as a rogue spaceship captain wanders the edges of known space chasing down strange radio signals. The only thing truly memorable were the spaceship crew’s uniforms, especially the female ones (the Italians have a well-deserved reputation in that department as well as their ability to properly fill them). The skin tight uniforms are topped off with some headgear weird enough to be distracting in their own right. This is not worth watching except for the unintentional comedy quotient; oh, and shipmate Oko, the ablest of filled uniforms.

MVP: Eleonora King as Oko. duh

Eegah

Actors: Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning, Richard Kiel, Arch Hall Sr.

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is possibly the worst movie ever made. It tries to be a beach flick with the 1960s boy band starring as the romantic lead but he’s so bad that you wonder how he ever got cast until you see his dad directed and co-starred with him. It’s a cheap movie involving noted thespian Richard Kiel, of 007 Jaws fame, as a lonely caveman looking for love in the Mohave Desert. He carries off a young maid, who conveniently faints on demand, and her dad in order to get a personalized shave in his cave. He takes that as encouragement to paw at the young lady until shotgun toting surfer dude belatedly arrives. Should have been called, Egad! So very and unremittingly terrible in virtually every phase.

MVP: Marilyn Manning as Roxy Miller, the designated fainter

Colossus and the Amazon Queen

Actors: Rod Taylor, Ed Fury, Dorian Gray, Daniela Rocca,  Gianna Maria Canale

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a very silly sand and sandal comedy. At least I think that’s what they were going for, maybe it was unintentional. I was surprised to see Rod Taylor in this Italian dubbed Hercules type flick and he acted circles around everyone and seemed to be poking fun at himself throughout. He and his Hercules buddy are kidnapped and dumped off on the Amazons’ island where all gender roles are reversed. The typically well-endowed Italian actresses playing the amazons only need the virile men for one night of fun before sentencing them to the salt mines. The regular house duties are taken up by obviously and very over the top, gay men. It all seemed very weird for an early 1960s movie – someone had a lot of sneaky fun putting this together.

MVP: Dorian Gray as Antiope, the most Italian of the endowment

Phantom Planet

Actors: Dean Fredericks, Coleen Gray, Anthony Dexter, Francis X. Bushman, Richard Kiel

Rating: 2 out of 10, The next in my trek through bad cinema wasn’t execrably bad. You first have to dismiss the ludicrous plot but this could have survived as a bad Star Trek episode. It’s a 1961 black and white film looking into the distant future of 1980 when the US Air Force has bases on the moon to explore the solar system. One of those explorers meets the phantom planet where the inhabitants are three inches tall. As soon as he’s exposed to their environment he shrinks down as well and is soon caught in a love triangle and an ongoing war with some buy eyed monsters, one of whom was played by Richard Kiel of 007 Jaws fame. The effects were laughably bad – space suits with sweat stained under arms but this was at least watchable.

MVP: Fredericks as Chapman the incredible shrinking astronaut