Horror High

Actors: Pat Cardi, Austin Stoker, Rosie Holotik, John Niland, Joye Hash  

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films got me a little revved up as the opening credits rolled because I recognized a number of names as NFL players from the 1970s including a fair number from the Dallas Cowboys. With the exception of Niland they were all just briefly glanced on screen, which is probably a good thing considering how bad this was. A high school nerd bullied by both faculty and students discovers a potion that grants him Mr. Hyde like powers. Bullies are soon dissolving in a vat of acid left in the middle of high school science class (huh?!) and having their heads lopped off with the old paper cutter ploy. The monster is kept in the shadows for his entire screen time which must have saved the obviously severely limited special effects budget. Totally forgettable.

MVP: Pat Cardi as the nerdy monster Vernon Potts 

Robo Vampire

Actors: Robin Mackay, Nian Watts, Harry Myles, Joe Browne, Nick Norman, George Tripos 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films and we may have a winner for the skin crawlingest worst of the entire process. It wasn’t just the Chinese vampires who literally hop everywhere as their chosen form of locomotion. This seemed to be a random series of scenes from a number of movies that were spliced together to form a true abomination. Chinese drug lords commission vampires to protect their drug smuggling operation. They can be controlled to hop in the right direction with post it notes stuck to their foreheads. The police respond by resurrecting a dead policeman as a Robocop which in this case meant a lot of hockey equipment spray painted silver. He stamps around usually surrounded by the hopping vampires but neither seem to be able to do much damage to each other. There’s also a tragic romance between two star crossed lovers who committed suicide to be with each other in the afterlife (huh?). She turns into a white witch while he’s a super-vampire wearing a gorilla mask (I. Am. Not. Kidding.) While all this sounds like it might evolve into some sort of glorious mess – it doesn’t and then it ends in the middle with nothing resolved.  

MVP: No one, they should all be ashamed.

Raiders from Atlantis

Actors: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King, Stefano Mingardo, Ivan Rassimov 

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films could have been titled Mad Max comes to the Caribbean. Some vets fresh off a successful kidnapping just happen to cruise by an offshore oil platform which is trying to raise a sunken Russian nuclear sub. For some reason that causes the lost continent of Atlantis to rise and turns some of a local island’s residents into biker gangs straight out of Max Rockatansky’s worst nightmares. They set about killing everybody else until the vet’s boat arrives. You still with me? Not a lot of sense and some heroically comically staged fight scenes. You realize how good Mad Max was when you see this pale copy. The lead actor was really familiar but I couldn’t place him until I did the old IMDb thang and saw his impressive list of 1970s TV credits. Really. Bad. Movie.

MVP: Tony King as Mohammed or Washington, I never figured out which

Crater Lake Monster

Actors: Richard Cardella, Glenn Roberts, Mark Siegel, Richard Calkins, Dan Turner

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a monster flick set in a California lake with a dinosaur emerging to feast on the local inhabitants whose only crime seems to be their lack of education. The monster was laughably bad looking like a poor man’s attempt at Harryhousen country. It more closely resembled something my granddaughter would construct out of playdough. That being said the special effects were better than the acting and the musical score which was grating. There was that "thrilling" climax of a fight between the monster and a bulldozer. A really bad movie but watchable for the rampant unintentional comedy throughout.

MVP: Cardella as wooden Sheriff Steve Hanson 

Fugitive Alien

Actors: Tatsuya Azuma, Jô Shishido, Miyuki Tanigawa

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was so bad as to almost defy description. A Japanese alien invasion flick which features an alien soldier, you know that because he wears a blonde wig, who refuses to kill humans which doesn’t sit well with his overlord. The rest of the movie has him crisscrossing the galaxy with a Japanese space ship with an unclear objective in mind. The signature move of the aliens invading is simultaneous somersaults into the air. It must be a Japanese thing. This was wretched and not even enjoyably so.

MVP: No One

Future Women

Actors: Robert Conrad, Jonathan Banks, Karen Austin, Robert Webber

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was an obvious made for TV vehicle with the “smirker in chief” Robert Conrad sleepwalking through it as a retired CIA agent called upon to deal with a cybernetic assassin that’s gone off the rails. It was very predictable and by the end I found myself hoping the robot would win as he takes on the inevitable evil government and tall hair of the 1980s. Jim West should have known better.

MVP: Austin as the assassin’s main target and Conrad’s love interest

Kingsman: the Golden Circle

Actors: Colin Firth, Taron Egerton, Mark Strong, Edward Holcroft, Hanna Alström, Sophie Cookson, Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Pedro Pascal, Elton John, Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges

Rating: 9 out of 10, The original Kingsman was one of my favorite movies over the past few years. I’m a huge fan of director Matthew Vaughn but he does seem to struggle with sequels. The Golden Circle had all of the trademark cheekiness of the original but it lacked some of the spark that made it so unique. Taron Edgerton still balances his suave secret agent personae with his lower class upbringing as the very challenged hero. He’s trying to maintain his romance with a Swedish princess while endeavoring to thwart a worldwide contamination of illegal drugs. Don’t worry – it’s not supposed to make sense. Two of my favorite characters were killed off this time but no one’s death seems permanent in this property, just ask Colin Firth. Juliann Moore camps it up as the villain running her nefarious plot from a diner in the jungles of Cambodia and her “go to” weapon – a meat grinder. Like I said – it doesn’t have to make sense as long as the action and gadgets keep coming at the relentless pace. So, not as enjoyable as the first Kingsman foray, but still a lot of senseless fun and chaos.

MVP: Egerton as the emergent Eggsy

Star Pilot

Actors: Leonora Ruffo, Mario Novelli, Paolo Bardi,  Roland Lesaffre, Kirk Morris, Alfio Caltabiano, Leontine May 

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was another Italian space invasion flick. A spaceship crewed by the usual well-endowed captain crashes in Sardinia and kidnaps some Italian professor to help repair the ship because that made sense. He brings along his frisky adult daughter who dons a different “groovy” outfit for each scene. They are soon winging their way around the galaxy running into various subhuman creatures and what not. This made very little sense  

MVP: Leontine as the daughter

Future Women

Actors: Shirley Eaton, Richard Wyler, George Sanders, Maria Rohm

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a truly strange film which I guess is part of a series about the Amazon queen Sumitra. It was more of a crime drama as a thief arrives in Brazil only to be kidnapped by scantily clad operatives of the Amazon kingdom ruled by the gal who was gilded in Goldfinger. She’d lost none of her fastball by the time she shot this movie which also featured renowned actor George Saunders who rightfully looked embarrassed by the silliness he found himself surrounded by. The girl on the machine gun, though, hmmm.

MVP: Shirley Eaton as Sumitra

Prey

Actors: Sally Faulkner, Glory Annen, Barry Stokes

Rating: 2 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was another British film which is more appropriately a horror flick. An alien scout transports down to rural England and befriends a pair of lesbian lovers when he’s not outside shewing on the local constabulary and lover’s lane couples (told you it was a horror flick). He transform into a dong faced, fanged beast for his meals. There are some pretty graphic sex scenes that seemed to have just been thrown in for prurient interest, even the alien isn’t that impressed. 

MVP: Barry Stokes as Anderson, the dog faced alien

Morons From Outer Space

Actors: Griff Rhys Jones, Mel Smith, Joanne Pearce, Jimmy Nail, James B. Sikking

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was a British comedy about some alien visitors to earth who are complete idiots. It’s an interesting premise with most sci films waxing philosophical about the advanced technology any aliens would have to bring with them. That is certainly not the case here as three complete buffoons crash land and are immediately lionized despite their complete lack of discernible intelligence. It’s the Brothers Grimsby meet Close Encounters and the Brits can’t miss the opportunity to also skewer their standard American stereotypes. There were some funny moments but it’s a one joke story there wears out fairly quickly.

MVP: Sikking as the stereotypical American

Primal Impulse

Actors: Florinda Bolkan, Peter McEnery, Lila Kedrova, Nicoletta Elmi, Klaus Kinski

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films wasn’t really science fiction at all but more of a psychological drama. Klaus Kinski is haunting the dreams of an Italian lady who may or may not be descending into madness. Kinksi will do that to you. She journeys to a seaside resort where she may or may not have been before. She keeps running into people who’ve seen her before although she doesn’t recognize them and think they’re all trying to drive her mad. It’s a short trip and a pretty confusing movie. Maybe it made more sense in Italian. Pass.

MVP: Peter McEnery as Henry the off again on again boyfriend

Battle Beyond the Sun

Actors: Edd Perry, Andy Stewart, Arla Powell

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films has a fascinating backstory. I was startled to see Francis Ford Coppola listed as the executive producer of what turned out to be a comically bad film. I learned this was originally a virulently Anti-American Soviet film that Roger Corman acquired and then turned over to recent film school graduate Coppola. He Americanized it and also inserted two monsters which resembled both male and female anatomy – apparently on purpose. While all of this is interesting it shouldn’t lead anyone to watch the movie which is awful. After a worldwide nuclear war two mega-nations emerge in 1997 with their sights set on Mars. Competition ensues and culminates on a Martian asteroid and the aforementioned sleazy monsters.

MVP: The monsters, I guess

Brother from Another Planet

Actors: Joe Morton, Daryl Edwards, Steve James, Leonard Jackson, Bill Cobbs, Maggie Renzi,

Fisher Stevens, Dee Dee Bridgewater, David Strathairn

Rating: 5 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was actually pretty good. I’d heard of it but never sat through it until mandated by this current effort. Joe Morton is awesome as an escaped slave alien who crashes into NYC harbor in the early 1980s. He looks like an African-American except for the whole three toed claws he sports. While mute he also possesses a lot of hidden talent. He finds his way to Harlem and has some really funny moments melding into the local scene. Sayles takes aim at a lot of social issues including immigration and drugs. This movie belongs to Morton who conveys so much without saying a word. The first movie in this bunch that I actually enjoyed.

MVP: Joe Morton as the title character

Hundra

Actors: Laurene Landon, John Ghaffari, Marisa Casel, Ramiro Oliveros, Luis Lorenzo ...

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films had a gal who tugged at my memory from her 1980s heyday but whom I could not recall. Landon plays a man hating amazon whose tribe is wiped out by marauding barbarians. She visits a soothsayer who predicts she has to bear a child to continue her tribe’s legacy. The man hunt is on. She spends the movie trying to find a surprisingly rare accommodating man and then rescuing her daughter after being ultimately successful. Bad on a very basic level although an Ennio Morricone score stands out.

MVP: Laurene in title role on looks alone

Mission Stardust

Actors: Lang Jeffries,  Essy Persson, John Karlsen, Pinkas Braun, Gianni Rizzo

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films is another Italian effort. A mission to the moon goes awry when the astronauts find a ball shaped spaceship run by a beautiful blonde. She vaporizes all their equipment and then asks for help for one of her crew members. While her civilization can manage establishing a lunar base, basic health care is an issue. She takes everyone back to earth for a blood transfusion and the local mafia don tries to take over the alien ship – bad move and equally bad movie.

MVP: Essy Persson as Thora

Rocket Attack USA

Actors: Monica Davis, John McKay, Phillip St. George, Edward Czerniuk 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was really two movies – both horrible. The first half is a spy story of an American spy infiltrating the Soviet Union following the Sputnik launch. He’s charged with finding out if the Russki’s are going to attack the USA and falls into bed with the defense minister’s mistress which you would think is a good thing. He tries to unsuccessfully blow up the lone rocket he finds. The second half has those sneaky Russians launching the missile to take out New York. The movie is full of Cold War paranoia which seems almost naïve looking back on now. It is definitely a propaganda piece aimed squarely at the evil commies and comical in its amateurish tact.

MVP: Monica Davis as he ill-fated Russian spy

Trapped by Television

Actors: Mary Astor, Lyle Talbot, Nat Pendleton, Joyce Compton, Thurston Hall, Henry Mollison Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was interesting in that it wasn’t really science fiction. It was at the time I guess in that television was just a concept back in 1936. It was also interesting to see the venerable Mary Astor. This was more of a comedy as a penniless television inventor is befriended by a goofy bill collector whose hidden hobby is “science”. They soon run afoul of gangsters and unscrupulous businessmen but goofiness wins out in the end. Obviously badly dated but I can still see what made Astor such an enduring star.

MVP: Mary Astor as Barbara "Bobby" Blake

Creeping Terror

Actors: Vic Savage, Shannon O'Neil, William Thourlby, John Caresio, Brendon Boone, Byrd Holland

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films was possibly the worst movie ever made – it almost defies description. A rocket lands in rural 1960s California and a ridiculous monster emerges to consume everybody in its path who are all willing to lie down in front of the lethargic beast to be eaten when he slowly humps up to them. The creature is a laughably constructed monstrosity that resembles a shag carpet left too long without vacuuming. Since no one could act fully 75% of the movie is narrated. This travesty could only have been constructed by someone with a virtually nonexistent sense of self. So. Very. Bad.

MVP: The narrator – I guess

Future Hunters

Actors: Robert Patrick, Linda Carol, Ed Crick, Bob Schott, David Light, Paul Holmes, Peter Shilton, Ursula Marquez, Elizabeth Oropesa, Bruce Le, Jang Lee Hwang, Richard Norton 

Rating: 3 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films wasn’t as bad as the vast majority I’ve sat through over the past couple months. It wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination. It stole themes from Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Mad Max, the Terminator, 1970s Kung Fu movies and melded them into a glorious disaster. The film starts out in the distant future of 2025 where a lone warrior in a post-apocalyptic wasteland learns the age old lesson that taking on tanks with a crossbow is not recommended. He’s trying to find the spear of Longinus to transport him back to the 1980s where he can avert the apocalypse. He succeeds only to die shortly after arrival. He entrusts the spear to a very young Robert Patrick (long before his T1000 days) and his comely girlfriend to unite the spearhead with the shaft and save the world. They set out on a world tour with Nazis (?!) in hot pursuit. Patrick’s role in the film seemed to be see how many different ways he could get his ass kicked. It ranged from bikers, to gangsters, to one of those white haired kung fu dudes, the aforementioned Nazis, a muscleman, an assortment of Mongols, midgets, and finally some female Amazon warriors. He really should be assessed for CTE following this performance. The movie ends in the Philippines with the girl friend wearing a flowing white dress through the jungle trek and repeated battles. Almost too silly to fully credit but some awkward fun along the way.

MVP: Robert Patrick as Slade the most beat up leading man in movie history

It’s Alive

Actors: Tommy Kirk, Shirley Bonne, Bill Thurman, Annabelle Weenick, Corveth Ousterhouse 

Rating: 0 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films features the old hidden creature in the cave scenario. A 1960's New York couple decide to drive through the Ozark’s and predictably run out of gas at a red neck's place who specializes in feeding stranded tourists to his pet creature. The New York husband is so unbearable that I spent his entire screen time actively rooting for creature feeding time to commence. Old Disney favorite Tommy Kirk provides the sole acting the movie features and the creature is laughably slow with ping pong balls for eyes. Terrible, just deliciously terrible.

MVP: Tommy Kirk as Wayne Thomas

Welcome to Blood City

Actors: Jack Palance, Keir Dullea,  Samantha Eggar, Barry Morse, Hollis McLaren, Chris Wiggins

Rating: 1 out of 10, The latest in my journey through 100 bad sci fi films leads me to believe this might have been the genesis for The Matrix which was done so much better than this farce. A group of people wake up in an Old West scenario with no memories of how they got there. They’re soon exposed to a society that requires them to kill or be enslaved – all overseen by venerable ole Jack Palance. It turns out this is all a mind game played by the inevitable evil corporation. It would have been a lot more bearable if it made any sense whatsoever.

MVP: Jack Palance as Sherriff Frendlander, the only one who kind of made sense